WTF Why Me?

This is a continuation on my stories from my past and I will try to cover them as much as possible. Warning readers I was a wild impetuous guy in my youth and did many things that really shouldn’t have happened.

As spring break approached my partner in crime Jim and I looked to find something to do during our break. Since both of us that year had gotten DWI’s and neither of us had much money we were limited in our options. We both loved the outdoors and fishing, recently I had gotten Jim into fly fishing for trout. We decided to go camping at Roaring River State Park in Cassville, MO.

We arrived in the afternoon at the park and proceeded to find a campsite and unload the truck. Now I borrowed for the trip my parent’s old tent, affectionately known as the “Mash 4077”, this tent was huge old tent that required lots of work and heavy poles to assemble. Jim had never set up this tent and so I had to lead him on its assembly. We first started a fire and set to work spreading this huge canvas tent out on the ground. After a long period of setting up the tent we took a beer break.

Now one thing I can promise you all is me and Jim always had a sufficient supply of alcohol. That first cold beer hit the spot….as I finished the last of my beer I put a skillet on the grate near the fire and threw in some kielbasa sausage. Off we went to finish setting up the tent. With the final parts of the tent going up I heard the kielbasa flame up and begin to burn. I rushed to the fire, grabbed the pan pulling it from the flames and set it on the ground. Well I forgot how hot the handle gets on a skillet in open flames…… being stupid I grabbed it barehanded. I burned my palm and three fingers pretty badly and proceeded to scream, rant and cuss up a storm.

All I heard from Jim was laughter while telling me what a stupid SOB I was and starting to haz me. If you were in a fraternity especially our fraternity you know hazing is way of life. Besides our couple of cases of beer we brought with us we also had a half empty fifth of bourbon. Since the tent was up and I was in pain I took a cold beer and held it in my burned hand to ice it down. I looked a Jim and informed him that I would be drinking that bourbon to ease my pain.

Over the next couple hours we sat around the camp site watching people come into the park and set up camp. I continued to do two things, switch out the beer can regularly to keep my burned hand cold and drink bourbon. The first people that we met were a group of four Arkansas State Troopers up in MO for a little R&R and trout fishing. They invited us over to play poker in their camper later that night. Another neighbor was a high school teacher from Colorado with some students on a camping site seeing adventure.

In early evening we went over to the trooper’s camp site to play poker only to find out they wanted to play penny ante poker. Well me being drunk and ornery I proceeded to haz tease and generally pick on these men like crazy. They of course being police officers weren’t used to kids picking on them or being so brash and callus.

To make things worse between me and Jim we could hardly lose a hand of poker. After a couple hours of abuse these old men said they needed to go to bed because the horn to start fishing blew at 6 am. So we took our pockets full of pennies and went back to our camp site. Leaving them with no change left to pay the next day ha ha ha

At our campsite Jim started building a huge fire….lighting up half the camp ground. Jim and I in our drunken state started singing and howling at the moon. One of our favorite songs was Melba: “I’m in love with Melba queen of all the acrobats…..when she does her acrobats she lands upon her tits……..she can right fight fart fuck shoot the shit and drive a truck…… shoots green peas out her hairy asshole……” anyway I digress. Pretty soon we have attracted the attention of our neighbors and some of them showed up to join us around the fire.

The first to join us were three of the high school kids, since the teacher was already asleep. One of the state trooper’s shows up next announcing that if we are going to keep the whole park awake then he would have to drink our beer. The songs continued as well as jokes and the telling of past war stories. We were loud obnoxious and brutal in our hazing of each other and the trooper. Late in the night we were on red alert….almost out of beer and no way to get more.

The state trooper was standing by the dying fire talking smack. When he informed us his beer was hot and proceeded to pour out a half can on the ground in front of us all. Now this is bad enough sin, to waste beer but…. this asshole then reaches in our cooler pulls out the last beer, smiles and says “last cold one guess you boys are out of luck”. I immediately jump to my feet and yell at him “you son of a bitch”. He turns to look at me questioningly.

Now readers he was wearing a hard safari style hat with a big Arkansas state trooper badge in the front of the hat. I reach up and pull the hat down over his eyes and wind up, swinging hard to flat palm slap that hat right in the center of his forehead as hard as I can. In our fraternity this was known as “Healing” someone.

He and the hat go flying into the darkness….. Silence falls over the camp site till I hear my partner in crime Jim say “serves him right….last damn beer…..” Then out of the darkness I hear a voice say “God Damn It!!! and the trooper steps back into the fire with his hand over his face cussing like crazy. He says “I ought to kick your ass” as you see his face you realize that there is blood running down his forehead and face. Apparently the badge in the hat had a tie tack back to it and it embedded itself into his forehead when I hit him. He is pissed but shocked sober.

Jim looks at him and says “I got $5 on the red head”. The trooper says your crazy and I look at him and say “ What are you going to do go home to Arkansas with a cut, two black eyes and broken nose…..how you gonna explain that to your friends?” The high school kids get him his hat and he looks at me menacingly….then walks off towards his camp site. I yelled after him to not waste beer next time……

That is the story of when I hit an Arkansas State Trooper……amazingly this was just the first night of a four night trip. On a final note the next morning that same trooper woke us up to go fishing and then apologized…..CLASSIC!!!